A Christmas gift

Well bugger me, Christmas 2019 and you’re now an Australian home owning Dad of a beautiful girl called Lila Florence. It’s Monday morning and Sue has been here a week or so, she is cooking Chicken in the kitchen, whilst Bri is sleeping, trying to make up for the lost hours last night. A futile battle I feel, but necessary to get through the days.

Sydney is basically surrounded by fire and depending on which way the wind blows is full of bushfire smoke, although thankfully, lately, the smoke hasn’t been too bad. There is also a water shortage and no real rain forecast until February, so that’s all good positive stuff hey!

In more positive news, you’ve started writing again, which is very good and currently just setting the task of writing a little every morning before the day really starts is giving about 500 words every day. I feel that if I hit 500 every day, then I have achieved something creative and can then give over the rest of the day without the feeling of wasting a day that I sometimes get.

The laundry / second bathroom renovations should be completed today too. That has been a big project (and the most you’ve spent on anything other than the house). It is a little scary throwing around numbers that big and a little more scary when you know you’ve done it all in cash rather than a further loan, but I guess it is also exciting and a good indicator of the sanity you and Bri have made. Got some plumbing work to be done in the new year and then electrics and the second bathroom to renovate, but that is big money, so will probably have to wait until Bri is back at work. 2020 will be spent just existing in the house and giving Lila the best start she can get. It would be great if Bri could get a job 2-3 days a week, I think that would give us the best of both worlds.

Mum and Dad and Andy coming in February and Andy off to Spain for Xmas, so Mum and Dad at home on their own (with aunty Liz) they seem OK about that though..

Anyway, off to the garden centre to buy some dirt and Bunnings to buy a broom and some seeds. You are truly middle aged!

what?

damn I just realised i made a similar post to the last one back in June and didn’t remember.

Is your brain ok?

it’s been a while

Crikey it’s been a while since you’ve posted on here hey. Funny that the paper diary you now keep has usurped this digital version, yet somehow the random timeframes between entries here makes it far more interesting to look back on.

You’re sat in The Commons production office on level one of the frank hurley building on the fox lot at moore park in Sydney.

2019 has been quite a year. You got your ozzie citizenship (although still waiting for the ceremony) bought a house, successfully pivoted your career to be a post supervisor and also have a baby due in mid December. Not bad when 2 years ago you were struggling at Cutting Edge and one year ago were unemployed.

You’re not having a great time mentally though. Realisation that your darkness has followed you even after changing things you previously thought perhaps were the cause of that darkness has made you realise that perhaps there is something else wrong. You went to your first psychology session on the weekend, eh it wasn’t world breaking.

Why do you write this like you’re writing to the future you? Interesting.

It’s been a long time…

Well it’s half way through 2019 and I forgot to check when I last wrote a blog before I started writing this one and I have to say this blog has been usurped a little bit by the paper diary I’ve been keeping for the past 3.5 years, but this still have a fair amount of history contained within, so I think I will keep occasionally and at random adding to this.

It is the last day of June 2019. Donald Trump is the president, Theresa May is still prime minister of the UK but more importantly Bri and I have both passed our citizenship interviews (me just this week) we’ve also bought a house this week, Bri got a promotion, I am gainfully employed as a post supervisor and we have a baby due in December. (the 16th to be precise)

What an immensely large time of our lives and a quite amazing culmination of the last 5 years. From a hostel in Brisbane with two suitcases to a 3 bed 2 bath house with a garden and my bald patch.

Middle age comes.

Well then

Fuck me time flies when you’re having fun.

June almost and many things have occurred. I am sat waiting to finish my last day at Sydney uni after being unceremoniously let go along with the other casuals. It’s been an interesting six months I have to say not bad not good just a good period of getting on with it and reflecting on what next.

So what next? I have a few options. The Sean thing, a couple of jobs maybe doing work from home tech support perhaps a job at universal music. The Sean thing and universal sound most interesting to me right now.

What else has been occurring. Been trying to get Bri knocked up, jizzed into a jar for that, which was fun. Been some pressure but we’ve come through it stronger I reckon. Hopefully this time around we’ll be successful…..

Band is going well, Alex on drums Rachel on bass and Adrian Hauser on second guitar. It’s a cool little gang and we’re getting somewhere. Still need a gig but that will come.

Anyway off to do my end of job handover. Weird to be going but onwards and upwards.

Progressive musings

And so it goes. I resigned from the ABC. I went cap in hand to Sydney uni and asked them if they still had a job, they did, so they considered me amongst their new applicants and I got one of the positions. This is great news, but I am so fucking broken by the events of the last 3-4 months that I’m just in this grey hole, not a black hole, but grey, everything is just meh. It’s like I’m just covered in a layer of like semi permeable goo, so nothing is horrible, but nothing is really great either, just a sort of shadow inhabiting the world.

Very emo.

Bri thinks (and I tend to agree) that it is caused by lack of close friends here in Oz. This made me think about work, and actually that’s probably true, I probably pushed a lot of my friendship needs on to work people, which is why it has such a detrimental effect on my brain as I don’t have another group other than work colleagues to converse with etc and talk about the world.

I have been rereading Michale palins diaries, it is giving me great solace, a feeling of familiarity as he writes about London and being in his 30’s in the diaries currently and the tribulation and trials he is facing match my own, although he has a much more satisfying work environment, humbling to also see how little he was aware of the legend he and the pythons were becoming. It has made me resolved to write again, I just need to find a format that fits me, the novel, whilst great is a huge body of work and really takes up ones time, I also seem to be unable to write such long tomes whilst studying as I found that whilst studying the masters or doing the latin it uses that part of my brain and stops me. Maybe.

Anyway, this toilet is not the greatest location to spend time writing in so I shall go back to my desk.

Useless

I’ve never felt more useless and just shit as I do right now. PhD isn’t happening I made a really bad decision with the abc ob job and Ethan the bass player just quit the Band oh and Bri is going to nyc for Christmas and I can’t go because I’m gonna be working on the fireworks although the way things are going I believe I end up not doing that or going to nyc. I feel very stuck. Can’t quit as we need the money and can’t seem to find another job or the jobs I have been offered don’t really work for Bri and if I’m honest I don’t wanna be away on my own.

I wish I could cry, I feel very alone as I can’t speak to Bri anymore about it as she’s just getting sick of it and me.